The Turtle Walks: Impressions

Showing posts with label Impressions. Show all posts

Monday, September 21, 2015

Gains and Losses

My apologies for not writing an entry for so long. This blog was my outlet during my recovery but the past few years I've been bad at keeping up with it. I thought I'd just give you guys an update.

First of all, I've graduated with my Masters in Biotechnology from Johns Hopkins! Those of you who follow me know what a long road it's been and what a huge accomplishment it was to walk across that stage. Thank you to everyone who helped get me there.

Plus look at that handsome mug!

After graduation, the next phase of my life was in limbo. No one wanted to hire someone with little full time lab experience for the positions I was interested in. I had been looking since before I graduated but I kept at it. The next few months I was on my computer or at the computer lab, job searching 6 days a week. I applied to companies all over the US in a variety of fields so I was unsure if I would be staying in Baltimore or moving cross country.

Limbo: not as fun as it sounds.

Eventually my resume was picked up by a 24-hour Lab Testing company in northern Virginia and I was hired for a position as Sample Technician. Essentially, I sort and prep samples so that they are correctly labeled and in the required size/shape/type that the lab needs. It's complicated work and I'm rubbing elbows with people from various labs and building work experience. The crew I'm working with is awesome and supportive. The company expects a lot from us but my coworkers help to make sure everyone gets through.

It's a living...

The weirdest part about the new job is my new hours (11pm-9am). Anyone who's known me knows I've always hated mornings but my new schedule ensures that I'm up for almost every dawn. On my days off I've taken long walks around the neighborhood, seeing things in a way I never had. Here are a few of the fun pictures I took in the Hampden area of Baltimore before I moved.

Everything is prettier at dawn, even the concrete jungle.

I've moved to the Fairfax area, in a wooded suburb south of the city. It's quiet and relatively secluded and the best part: my commute has changed from an hour and fifteen minutes to twenty minutes.

My cats seem to have settled in nicely.

Lastly, for anyone who doesn't know, my mom Anne Exner passed away last month from metastatic breast cancer. She had had breast cancer back in 2000 and beat it with chemo and radiation. A few years ago it returned and lodged in bones, and about two months ago it was discovered in her brain. My mom opted not to receive additional chemo, instead enjoying the time she had left with her husband, 4 children, and 2 grandchildren.

She was an amazing person, very talkative, friendly, always there with some kind words and some helpful advice (whether you wanted it or not). She was a nurse and worked long hours, though made sure she had time for everyone else. She was always there with a kind word and a healthy snack. She was a world traveler, an experienced mom, a hard worker, and improving the world with an infectiously upbeat quirky attitude.

She is one of the biggest reasons I am where I am today. When I was injured back in December of 2009, she quit her job and moved in with my Aunt and Uncle while I did inpatient rehab. She drove almost an hour down to Baltimore everyday for months. While I lay in a hospital bed my mom would massage my useless legs and yell "MOVE!!!" over and over while I strained to move even a toe. She had been at this almost a month when I got a toe wiggling. She ran and got a nurse and they were both jumping up and down as they watched my right big toe twitch a millimeter.

She was always my biggest advocate. She was always helping me with insurance forms, medication lists, doctors appointments, scheduling my continuing rehab... she was always chatty and cheerful so even if someone didn't recognize me they knew me as Anne's son. She helped arrange the paperwork so that I could finish my Bachelors in Biology from Colorado State by finishing my classwork at Elizabeth City State University, the school in our hometown in North Carolina. There, she and my dad were able to provide me with the support and love I needed as I healed mentally and physically. She continued to push me, getting me to explore nature. My favorite quote from her, "Nature... it's everywhere!" was her response to any animals or cool plants we saw as I learned to walk again.

Even as I learned to walk without any canes and moved off to grad school, she was still there for me. She would call to remind me of my appointments and check how I was doing in my classes. She was always willing to listen to my woes and always had the best stories to cheer me up. She is the reason I have the job I do now, helping me to go through the paperwork and making sure I had all the required documents and was prepped for my interview.

When it was discovered that she only had a few weeks left, the whole family gathered together for a weekend that was both fun and very sad. Near the end, even when the cancer made it difficult to form sentences, she'd still say the first few words of movies quoted by the family (Emperor's New Groove or Young Frankenstein). Even in her final weeks she was still trying to get those around her to smile.

She's gone now and the world is a little less bright without her. Still, the world is a better place for her having been here. Every single person at the funeral had stories of her having been a great positive influence in their lives. With lots of family and friends, she was laid to rest outside Bel Air, MD.

There have been some significant gains and deep losses but for now, things are okay. I'm in a better place and I am looking forward to an exciting new career. I always end my posts with a song so this post I'll end with one of my mom's favorite song by The Beatles.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

Some things change

Some things change but some things stay the same. One thing that will always stay the same is that children will ask the questions that people have been conditioned not to ask.

I'm free of the wheelchair but I still have my leg brace. People don't notice the leg brace itself (though I still limp and am slow) when I wear pants and I'm a jeans kind of person. On a lazy Saturday with perfect weather, I wore a pair of basketball shorts. This allowed the leg brace to be visible.

I was walking to my car when I passed a dad and his 7 year old son playing soccer on the lawn of my apartment complex. The son took a look at me and asked "Why are you wearing a shin guard?" The father looked thoroughly annoyed at his son but I just laughed. I told the son I'd been in an accident and now I needed a leg brace for my ankle. The son seemed satisfied though the father still looked annoyed at his son.

The eyeroll is strong in this one.

Some things change and some things stay the same.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

My Story As Of Today: From Wheelchair To Walking

I was 20 at the time of my accident. I've moved around a bit in my lifetime. My dad worked in the army and then the Public Health Service. We moved everywhere from West Virginia, Germany, Wisconsin, to Seattle. Not strongly connected to one place very closely, I was going to college at Colorado State while my parents lived in North Carolina. Minus a few crazy events here and there I had a pretty boring childhood and early adulthood. I had never even had a broken bone.

Me pretending I know what I'm doing on a longboard.

After spending Christmas with friends, I flew out to spend New Years with my family. We were up in Maryland where much of my extended family lives.

THE ACCIDENT - December 29^th, 2009.

The plan was to spend a few days in the Baltimore area then drive home to North Carolina the day of the 29^th. I've always hated long car rides, so I always tried to sleep through them. I figured I'd be sleeping the entire ride to North Carolina, so I spent the entire night before my accident playing video games on my little cousin's XBOX (Lego Indiana Jones). I was asleep practically before we left my Aunt and Uncle's driveway. I did wake-up momentarily to hug my older sister as we dropped her off at the airport but otherwise I was down for the count.

How I spent the last night before the accident. I finished the entire game about 30 minutes before everyone woke up.

I slept in the back seat up against the door with my seat-belt on. From what I'm told, my Dad was driving on the freeway when he saw the car ahead of him stop suddenly. My dad slammed on the breaks and our car started spinning wildly out of control. Our car slammed into the bumper of a neighboring truck.

My Mom was in the front seat and had been knocked unconscious. My dad, awake and unharmed, told me later that I was screaming my head off; I have no memory of this. They shipped my off to Shock Trauma Center at the University of Maryland. I had two of my vertebrae (L1 and L2) completely shattered, broke both arms, and had lots of other internal damage. They put two stabilizing rods on either side of my spine but the surgeons felt it was better not do any surgery that could damage potentially intact nerves. The bones in my arms were set and a metal rod was placed in each.

I broke L1 and L2(top of Lumbar curve) but my injury level is considered T10(bottom of Thoracic curve) since that was the initial line of what I could move.

I woke up not able to move anything below the level of my belly button. The next few days were a morphine haze interrupted by a swirl of visiting family. I was sort of emotionally numb, staying upbeat the entire time. I just kept repeating that I wasn't going to be stuck using a wheelchair. They moved me out of there and into a rehab hospital. I starting to learn about the realities of my new life and what it would be like to move and live in a wheelchair.

I eventually went through all 5 stages of grief and loss over my legs. I felt that the part of my life where I walked had died.

It was about 6 days after the accident when I finally broke down. I wasn't able to wheel myself around with both arms in slings, I couldn't move very well, couldn't even control when I shit, and didn't know what I would do. It all hit like a ton of bricks.

NURSING HOME (rebreaking my right arm)

About a week into my new rehab I rolled on my right arm in therapy and rebroke it. My surgeons, extremely irritated with me, said that I wasn't allowed to continue therapy there for at least a month and advised me to go to a nursing home.

In the nursing home after I rebroke my arm.

Though some of my darkest moments were in that nursing home, this was the place that I regained movement in my legs. After a month not moving anything I wiggled my right big toe. The next day I wiggled my left big toe. Progress slowed for awhile but over the next few weeks I regained good chunks of my right leg back.

KENNEDY KRIEGER

During my stay at the nursing home we heard about the spine program at Kennedy Krieger Institute. An offshoot of Johns Hopkins, the hospital had a reputation for significantly improving function after spinal cord injuries. A few people warned me, including my physical therapist at the nursing home, that they felt Kennedy Krieger made too many promises. I was hesitant but after the dismal conditions at the rehab hospital and the nursing home I felt that anything was worth a shot.

The staff of KKI helped put my mind at ease and helped push me forward. Shown here trying out e-stim on my leg.

It turned out to be better than I could have ever hoped. Primarily a kids hospital, the spine program's inpatient wing will take you if you are under 21. Full of energy and excitement, the feelings were infectious. They advocate activity based rehab. This is the idea that muscles needs to be used and exercised, in the hope to promote new nerve growth. They make no promises but the research shows that if the spinal cord isn't cut completely the working of muscles will help to promote the growth of nerves. This is accomplished through electrical stimulus, in the form of portable electrical stim-units and electrical stim-bikes. They use these alongside more traditional mobility, balance, and care training.

Showing off my wheelchair biceps and my scars.

MORE BACK SURGERIES

Repeat imaging near the end of my inpatient stay showed that the broken pieces of spinal column were pressing on the cord. I had gotten significant function back in my right leg by this time but the left leg was still mostly inert. Even electrical stimulus couldn't get the muscles in the left leg to move; the hope is that another round of surgeries could improve my overall function.

They cut into my back and removed the broken pieces of spinal column. They then put in a metal cage and put the pieces of bone back in. The alive bone cells would regrow into the shape of vertebrae, this time without pinching my spinal cord.

It is safe to say I've seen more hospital beds than I care to mention. Here I am reading a stack of get-well cards

I stayed in Baltimore with my Aunt and Uncle until the end of the summer, doing outpatient rehab at Kennedy Krieger. While the effect wasn't immediate, over the next few weeks I began to get significant function back. I had my right leg completely back by the end of the summer and few more trace muscles in the left leg. I now had enough function back to walk around with a leg brace for short distances, with the help of a walker or crutches.

Out stretching my legs.

COLORADO

It was my goal to return back to Colorado State again. I was still using the wheelchair but I felt confident enough to move out there on my own. I happened to have an older brother who was taking graduate classes at CSU at the time who was willing to share an apartment. I was excited and pumped to start things off again.

Though things started off strong, I eventually started having various health problems. I'm not naturally self motivating so when I felt down I would just lay in bed which only made things worse. Eventually I was in so much pain I stopped going to class altogether. By halfway through the semester I hit my lowest point ever. My mother came for a visit and saw the condition I was in. She asked if I wanted to move back home with them and I said yes.

NORTH CAROLINA

Having someone to kick me out of bed was exactly what I needed and my parents obliged. They started by getting me to wheel around and to do more and more walking. Though this was still difficult I got better. I slowly began to work up stamina and endurance. I had a 3 times a week PT program and worked out/swam at the YMCA. I transferred to Elizabeth City State University, our city's university. Though no Colorado State University they were close and offered a biology degree program. I'm still in North Carolina today, working on finishing up my degree. I'm set to graduate spring 2013.

My physical function continues to improve. I go periodically to Kennedy Krieger for additional rehab. These 2 week bouts, nicknamed “Boot Camp”, yield the most exciting results. In January 2011 I trialed using two canes instead of walking with crutches. In June 2011 I trialed using an AFO (Ankle Foot Orthosis, up to just below the knee) instead of the KAFO (Knee Ankle Foot Orthosis, up to the hip) I had used up to that point. I started out the fall semester of school vowing that I would not bring the wheelchair from the house; every time I left the house I would have to take my leg brace. I was still using my KAFO when I walked anywhere and used the AFO only in therapy. The KAFO was a heavy mess of wires and levers. October 2011, one of the wires on my KAFO snapped during a long holiday weekend. Since I had sworn to not take the wheelchair from the house I used my AFO the rest of the weekend; I never went back.

Trialing out two canes instead of crutches.

I finally ditched the wheelchair completely this past January, two years after my accident. I was using the AFO and canes well enough that I felt it was time. It was hard to get used to at first but I managed eventually. My wheelchair now serves only as a bed for my cats.

My most recent accomplishment is to have regained enough strength and balance to switch to walking using only one cane. Not quite as dramatic a shift as some of my others, it still wasn't easy to adjust to losing a walking aid. I continue to work toward my eventual goal of walking without any leg braces or canes. I'm not there yet but these past two and a half years have shown me it's more than possible.

With one cane and my AFO.

I'm not the boy I was. Who can say what I'll do with my life now since I almost lost mine. The focus of my journey has changed quite a bit, from learning how to use my wheelchair to walking again. I'm walking full time now but it wasn't quick or easy.

I fully acknowledge I was lucky my injury wasn't as severe as it could have been and that I had a lot of help along the way. I can't speak for everyone with a spinal cord injury, since each experience is different. I do know that the most important thing is to be up and aiming toward something. Whether this is finishing the next level of school, getting back function, or simply being fit enough to try something new. At one point I would have stayed in bed and given up. And if I had stayed there I would never have gotten out of my chair. So who knows where you might end up.

One suggestion was to get shoes with more ankle support. I'm pretty sure they were talking about hiking boots but since I have a sense of style I got a pair of Chuck Taylors, the old school high top Converse. Though I wasn't expecting these to make any difference, I found myself walking better and better.

Oh my god, shoes!

I began walking so well that I decided to leave the cane at home. That first day was kinda rough but after that I just kept going. It's now been 2 weeks since I used my cane at all!

No I didn't break my canes. They're in the corner collecting dust!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Healing

Not to jinx myself but I'm healing really well. The hole in my back, which has been plaguing me for months, is finally closing.

How my medical issues seem sometimes. I keep trying to get away but they just suck me back in.

For those who haven't been following along, a few months ago fluid had built up under my back from an undetermined infection, forming a zit-like bubble an inch wide. There were several clinic visits and 2 inpatient surgeries on the pocket in an attempt to stem the build up of fluid. After my last surgery they put in a vacuum pump on my back to suck out any fluid that may have formed underneath the surface. I've essentially been walking around with an open wound for the past few months. Though it's annoying to be carrying around the car battery sized pump, I'm glad I had it. Fairly recently, due to/in spite of my surgeries, pockets of undermining (fluid filled caverns in my back) that stretched as far as 20-30 cm in different directions had formed underneath the surface.

Alright mine's not a bottomless pit but it's deep enough to screw with my life.

Though the wound is not completely closed, all of the undermining has been sucked up! It should only be another week or two before I'm allowed to be free from the tyranny of the vacuum pump. The underlying infection, which may possibly go all the way down to the metal hardware in my back, is being suppressed with oral antibiotics. With any luck I'll be rid of it soon. In the meantime, those antibiotics should keep me from developing any more bubbles (fingers crossed!).

Aaaaaaaaand... (pop!) bubbles no more!

This amazing healing is no doubt in part to my complete lack of a social life all summer. I've been getting up, walking, stretching, doing my exercises; but other than school I don't get too far from our apartment. Even if I had people to go see, after I am done with the studying my summer class I don't really feel like doing anything except facebooking, watching shows from the 90's, and taking long naps. To say the least I've been nice to my back and gotten plenty of rest. So here's for the healing power of boredom.

A baby bookworm, taking a well deserved nap.

Now if I would just heal up already! I want to get back to being a brainless 20-something; this whole frail and sickly thing is getting old pretty fast.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Boredom in Wonderland

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I've been extremely busy with being completely bored. The last I had written I was out of the hospital on home care. We stayed an extra two week in Baltimore to make sure that the infection in my back didn't return. We've now finally returned to North Carolina.

It turned out I'm more stuck than I expected to be. I'm getting regular changes of the PICC line that delivers my antibiotics and the dressing on the vacuum pump on my back. I'm under the 'Home Care' box on their forms. Effectively this means I'm stuck to the grounds of this house. I'm not allowed to do PT or go out. I'm allowed to go to the doctor, get my hair cut, or make short infrequent trips for specific purposes. I'm lucky that I have a few great friends who've visited me regularly. I emphasize this point because I live 20 minutes outside town in the middle of nowhere.

Take the second right and go until you run out of land. Then you're almost there...

I've filled my time with watching shows online. I'm watching Sherlock (which has curiously homoerotic undertones) and United States of Tara, both of which have kept me quite busy.

Though the show has maintained that they are both straight I still think they'd make an adorable couple.

I've also been posting pictures to facebook in an addictive fashion. I've certainly been paying closer attention to that than I have this blog. Here are some examples of the fun and hilariously random pictures that await you on The Turtle Walk's facebook.

Everything Turtles

Not-For-The-Disabled Disability Ramps

Walk This Way

More people are reading the blog and looking at the pictures but in the end I write this blog for my own mental well-being. If that's accomplished through prose or through random pictures... I'm okay with the outcome either way.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Out of the Fire and Into Purgatory

I'm finally out of the hospital, which is a relief. I still have the four drains in and I'm waiting for the wound care company to send in a portable Wound V.A.C., a machine that creates a vacuum to close a wound faster. I'm allowed to walk around but that is pretty much all I'm allowed to do. I'm on spinal restrictions: no twisting, no lifting over 5 lbs, and no bending.

No bending! Doctors never let me do anything fun...

I'm mostly just bored. Summer vacation is finally here and I have nothing to do. I'd normally not complain but we're staying in Baltimore for an extra two more weeks. It doesn't make sense to go home yet with all of the doctor's appointments and checkups I'll need. This leaves me in a small apartment with with nothing to do. I can catch up on my favorite shows, read a book, take a few walks here and there, etc. I'm not itching to get out of here yet but I can feel it coming.

On a more cheerful note I was the winner of Johns Hopkins Annual Turtle Derby! Proceeds go to benefit the Children's Center at Johns Hopkins. It's a $10 fee to enter a turtle into the Derby. In my last post I mentioned I was entering a turtle and had named her Calypso. I was never expecting to hear about her again but she won 1st place! Sadly I wasn't able to attend because I had been put on bed rest but I won a cool blue ribbon and $100! Since the initial seed money was from my mother I owe her that back but that means I earned a cool $90 from turtle racing. Who knew turtle racing would be so lucrative?

This is from last year's Turtle Derby. I haven't been able to locate any pictures from this years. :( If anyone is able to find any send me the link.

I'll get back to my old self again soon enough. I'm already moving around better than I was and improving every day. Assuming that I actually heal up right this time I'll be back to limping around at turtle pace before you know it.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Back to Surgery. Again.

I'm getting really tired of saying this but I am back in the hospital for surgery again. For those who have been following my progress, it was noticed last Friday that I had a part of my back that was swelling upward. It was not exactly a bubble just yet but there was a good chance it was going to be. By Sunday it was clear that it really was another bubble. It was expanding and it was very squishy.

Sunday we went to the new Johns Hopkins ER. As expected we spent almost the entire day waiting around. They kept the patients occupied by providing cable on a big screen TV and a less than comfy bed. They did finally move me to a room of my own at 4am the following morning. This was the new addition to Hopkins that they have been working on for months. It is really pretty cool. They have a new ER, MRI machine, operating rooms, and tons of different floors for every occasion. I'm on the 12th floor and get a really cool view of Baltimore. The building itself is remarkably pretty.

The surgery was virtually identical to the last one I had in March. They went in and flushed out the whole area, sucking out any pockets of puss that the bacteria would have caused. Plastic surgery closed me up, pulling flaps of muscle from either side, filling in the space. This will hopefully prevent bacteria from growing as they will have no room to grow. They are putting me on different antibiotics to hopefully get rid of the bacteria that may have escaped the surgery.

My surgeons and myself are worried that the bacteria managed to find their way into the hardware in my back. There is some evidence to support this: the fact that these infections on my back crop seemingly for no reason and they've returned 3 times now. It is curable but it very difficult to remove once they've found their way onto the hardware. In the meantime all we can do is to keep clearing out any bubbles that form and try various antibiotics.

For now I'm waiting to heal and see what happens. I have four JP drains in this round. After the last surgery I had three drains in and said I was turning into a horse. Now I've got four drains and a central vacuum drain pump. I don't feel like a horse this time but instead feel like I'm turning into Doc Ock from Spider Man.

All the surgeries fortunately haven't turned me evil... yet.

On a more cheerful note, I'm entering a turtle into John's Hopkins 81st Annual Turtle Derby. It is a turtle race held by Johns Hopkins every year to benefit Child Life at Hopkins Children’s and the Perkins Day Care Center, a nearby Johns Hopkins affiliate. When my mother passed by the booth for the Turtle Derby she immediately thought of me. It is a ten dollar donation to enter in a turtle which you are allowed to name. I named mine Calypso.

First one that makes it to the edge of the circle wins. Click the picture at the top of the page (or here) to read about Calypso the three legged Sea Turtle.

For now I'm on bed rest while my back heals. I'll make sure to keep everyone in the loop as things develop. All I can really do at this point is wait; waiting of course is the most annoying, tedious, and essential part of the process. Wish me luck and root for Calypso in the Turtle Derby.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Return of the Bubble

It has been a while since I wrote anything. I've been struggling to catch with all the work for school I missed during my stay in Baltimore and now I'm cramming for finals. This is my way of taking a break in between studying. Plus I need to update everyone where I am physically.

My last post, I still had one drain left in my back to get rid of all the residual fluid that builds up after surgery. The drains are now all out but the trouble is not over. Within a week of the drains being pulled a bubble of excess fluid began forming underneath the skin.

We were left with no choice but to cut the bubble open, clean it out, and stuff it full of treated packing material. The packing material will keep the wound clean and soak up all the excess fluid. I am not thrilled by the whole process; the wound needs to be cleaned and dressed several times a day. This has left my skin a mess from all the tape continually coming on and off. The entire process of packing the wound is supposed to delay the closing of the wound while soaking up any pus/fluid that's still leaking.The wound heals from the bottom up much like a zipper closing.

I've been sewn up and stapled up but this is my first time being zipped up.

To be honest I'd rather deal with this wound care then have my tail back again. At least this way I can roll over. I still have the PICC line in my arm, delivering IV antibiotics but I only have to change that every couple of days. Medically things are moving in their usual slow pace while the rest of my life zooms along. But what else is new. I've gotten to like my 'Turtle Pace' and those who don't like going that slow can zoom on ahead. This turtle still has a few tricks up his sleeve.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

I want SLEEP!

For those who've been following my progress I got 2 of the 3 drains in my back taken out. The one left in is draining slightly more than the doctors like so I'll get it taken out later this week. So my horse tail is smaller but still there.

The horse tail is annoying because I keep it in the same bag as my antibiotic. This is bad because anytime I want to turn over at night I have to get up and move the bag along with all my pillows. And I turn over a lot at night. This all equals me getting very little sleep because I can't stop moving.

My cats are glad to have me back at home. They've moved from being wheelchair cats to cripple-friendly cats. They love to rub themselves all over my canes and feet when I'm walking. They don't seem to realize that tripping up Dad when he's limping along is a bad idea. Ah well. They've been cute, cuddling with me as I finish up all the studying I missed while in the hospital. They don't seem to mind as long as I'm here to give them a belly rub every once and a while. A good reminder to keep things simple.

As the weather has warmed up I've gotten out and biked a fair bit. This has given a chance to see the turtles coming out to enjoy the fresh spring. Sun, food, a place to sleep... simple needs. On that note I'm going to take a nap and try not to turn too much.

Monday, March 26, 2012

A Reminder Of How Far I've Come

This weekend I went to my cousin's wedding. I had a blast, dressing up in my best duds. I managed to pull of a dashing purple shirt and tie, the cane I walk with now only added to the look. I mentioned to one of my little cousins that having a cane makes you look classy and he asked “But WHY does having a cane make you look classy?” It just does.

I got numerous compliments throughout the weekend. On my way to the back of the church I got high fives from different excited family members, some of whom I hadn't seen since I was using the wheelchair full time.

It's harder than you might think to work in jazz hands into a wedding...

It was humbling to see so many congratulating me on my accomplishments. These were the people who let me live in their homes when I was newly injured. These were the people who saw me hours after I had been in my car accident, broken and paralyzed. These were the people who had watched as I went out to college in my wheelchair, only to return home after I realized how physically taxing it would be. These were the people who supported me as I went from wheelchair to full leg brace to ankle brace. These were the people who have urged their friends to pray for me. These were the people who have created a network of people across multiple continents, including hundreds of people, all sending me goodwill and best wishes. I am so lucky to have the support system that I do. If I didn't have all of them behind me I wouldn't have made it this far and that is a fact. This is a journey that can be done alone but is better done with the support of family and sprawling network of well wishers.

I'm continuing on, using the strength that so many people have lent me over the years. One of my aunts said that I exuded a kind of strength and a positive attitude; I don't know if that's true but I guess it must be. What I do know is I have seen myself go from paralyzed at the waist to walking, something that isn't going to be the case of everyone with an injury like mine. I do guarantee that no matter what type of injury you have you are capable of more than you think. A quadriplegic can write a novel with a computer, those without hands can paint with their feet, those without legs can run marathons on prostheses. You may not be able to do everything that you could before but find something that is on the edge of your abilities and do it. Once you accomplish your goal find your limits again and push them. You will surprise yourself and amaze everyone around you.

As for me, I'm happy hitting the dance floor at a family wedding. I may look odd but then so does everyone else. After all, a guy with a cane isn't the weirdest dance you will see at a wedding; not by a long shot.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

On Nerves and Support

My car crash shattered two of the vertebrae in my spine, crushing many of the nerves in my spinal cord. It severed some completely and compressed others. Fortunately, many of them remained intact or I would not be able to walk like I have. Contrary to common knowledge, nerves fibers do regrow (though most brain cells do not); the problem is that while they regrow they have to rewire themselves. Since they do not know where they are supposed to be operating they send out random electrical signals until they figure it out. Depending on the intensity this can feel like a small static shock or can feel as painful as a white hot wire pressed against the skin.

This has occurred every few months since the accident. This nerve pain can either come on after a series of particularly difficult tasks or for no reason at all. I adjust my medications for this onslaught and wait for it to end, since there isn't much else I can do. It sometimes ends with me getting the return of more function yet in the meantime it's mostly just annoying.

Almost done...

The past few days I have been experiencing this type of nerve pain. Though it generally is on the lighter side it makes it so that it's almost impossible to go about my day as normal. I missed class, physical therapy, and even a performance of the play I was helping with (I operated the sound board; fortunately there was someone to cover the job).

For support I've been turning to my new supportive group of friends, who I met through facebook. There are a surprising number of groups who are devoted to gay disabled individuals. These groups are made up of people with a variety of disabilities as well as the people who support them. They've offered me condolences, hugs, and some practical advice on what to do to deal with nerve pain.

Check out The Turtle Walks - A Spinal Cord Blog on facebook

And finally there is my group of friends in the physical world (vs. the virtual one). This group of people have stood by me the past few months, waited when I went slow, helped me when I needed it, and made feel welcome instead of different. There wasn't much they could do to help me deal the pain except keep me company, but that was more than enough. Having that support has been essential through every part of my recovery. In a world that more often than not treats me as different and weird it is amazing to feel almost normal again. Thank you.

Sitting on the couch with my friends was more beneficial than just about anything else I could have done. Thanks to you fun crazy misfits. I love you guys.