So if anyone has been watching my facebook (or more regularly my sister's), you will know that I'm going to moving to North Carolina again. I've dropped my classes for now and am heading back home to focus in on my physical program. There are multiple reasons for this: the fact that I'm a huge slacker at heart, I had a sudden pain in back which put a hold on my pt for 2 weeks, all the pressure has left me trying to do too much. Since the beginning of the school year I have been backsliding, doing less of my home exercise program each day.
I had been starting to get depressed and unmotivated. Physical pains were constant and framed my situation in a bad light. Classes were getting harder and harder and I found it harder and harder to care enough to study. And then I got a sudden and intense pain behind my ribs. I was already starting down an unproductive path when I was suddenly flung down into a pit of depression and listlessness. Things were falling apart and I didn't know how to piece them back together again.
My mother came back out again when I filled her in on how I was doing. She had been trying to give me space and freedom, so she tried to give me distance. But when she heard that I was stuck in a pit she came out right away. And it became more and more clear that I had slid back a long way and there was no way I was going to be able to do this without help. When I got some more failing grades from my classes that the system I was using wasn't working.
So know I'm heading back. People keep reminding me to not think of this as a failure, that I'm going back to strengthen myself up physically and then can do anything. While this is all true it is sometimes hard to believe the truth. And I still disagree, I did fail here. Fortunately I have a support network behind me or I would have failed a long time ago. I've taken more than a few hits to my pride these last few months, including having my diapers changed. I have gotten used to freedom and it will be really hard to give it all up and go back home. Now my pride will just have to suffer as I lean on others for help for a while.