I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while. I have had issues with recovering from surgery, as well technical problems with this website. I have two posts that never showed up on the website. I will repost them presently.
This is a reflection of my relationship with God and my own private religious revelation. I did not hear the angels chorusing from on high or anything like that, but I did find my own piece of a higher power.
As some of you may know I have had an interesting relationship with God from the very beginning. Though faith was not something that took the forefront of my attention before the accident, I always had a firm belief that there was a God and that I had a personal connection. Even after the accident, I maintained my belief in God, though I was not happy him. Though I was never outright angry raging against God I will say that God and I had some things we needed to work out.
This was the position I held until after my second set of back surgeries. It was then that I began to have increasing issues with pain. I've had intense back pain, causing me to be limited in my movement. I've had severe leg pain, possibly from overuse, making it excruciating for me to sit up in a chair for more than 30 minutes. With everything else that had happened, the pain wore me down. I sunk into a depression, almost refusing to move. And then new waves of pain sunk in, caused no doubt from my refusal to work past the pain.
In one of these bouts of pain, I was brought to tears. The pain was too much, the final straw to break my break (so to speak). It was hear that I broke down and really prayed for the first time in nearly 6 months. I raised my tear-streaked face and asked, "I know I've had issues with you in the past and everything still isn't clear; but I need help! I'm too tired, too broken." Though the pain didn't stop, I thought it might have lessened slightly. Exhausted I fell asleep.
It was a prayer of desperation. I had used up all my energy, my drive, and I needed help. Help was not delivered from on high that day but gradually things began to improve. One key factor in this was the start of physical therapy again; it allowed me to begin to move again, to claw my way up to where I was before. In admitting that I was lost and broken, turning to a higher power, I found my drive again. I rebuilt myself from the ground up.
Though all of this was a turning point for my recovery, I didn't really associate it with any sort of higher power. That moment came earlier today. We were running late, things were all over the place, family members were frazzled. On any one of many previous days this would have been the awful start to the day. But I woke up feeling good, my joints loose and my body ready to go. When I went outside to get in the car it was a gorgeous 80 out with only a little humidity. While I waited for my mother to come to the car I had about 4 minutes to myself.
It was in that short time that I felt an intense calm come over me, a stillness. Everything stopped; the day was clear, I felt like myself, and the world was at peace. It was in that short moment that I think my prayers were answered. I soaked up that calm as if it were a physical thing. After so much time either in pain, worried, or in pain the calm was like a warm blanket covering my entire body. Appreciating what a gift this moment was I raised my head and said "Thank you for today." I didn't need to say that this moment revitalized my spirit and my drive. All the things I will be able to accomplish from this point are due to this one moment of serenity.
Alright, it's not a sign from on high in the traditional sense but it is the moment that revitalized me. And for that I am thankful. This is not to say I have resolved all my issues with God (you get stuck in a chair, you see how understanding you are!) but I am smart enough to know when I have received a gift from something bigger than myself. Though not as dramatic as Moses on the mountaintop, I can now legitimately say that I have been touched by something that is both powerful and beyond my understanding.