So if anyone has been watching my facebook (or more regularly my sister's), you will know that I'm going to moving to North Carolina again. I've dropped my classes for now and am heading back home to focus in on my physical program. There are multiple reasons for this: the fact that I'm a huge slacker at heart, I had a sudden pain in back which put a hold on my pt for 2 weeks, all the pressure has left me trying to do too much. Since the beginning of the school year I have been backsliding, doing less of my home exercise program each day.
I had been starting to get depressed and unmotivated. Physical pains were constant and framed my situation in a bad light. Classes were getting harder and harder and I found it harder and harder to care enough to study. And then I got a sudden and intense pain behind my ribs. I was already starting down an unproductive path when I was suddenly flung down into a pit of depression and listlessness. Things were falling apart and I didn't know how to piece them back together again.
My mother came back out again when I filled her in on how I was doing. She had been trying to give me space and freedom, so she tried to give me distance. But when she heard that I was stuck in a pit she came out right away. And it became more and more clear that I had slid back a long way and there was no way I was going to be able to do this without help. When I got some more failing grades from my classes that the system I was using wasn't working.
So know I'm heading back. People keep reminding me to not think of this as a failure, that I'm going back to strengthen myself up physically and then can do anything. While this is all true it is sometimes hard to believe the truth. And I still disagree, I did fail here. Fortunately I have a support network behind me or I would have failed a long time ago. I've taken more than a few hits to my pride these last few months, including having my diapers changed. I have gotten used to freedom and it will be really hard to give it all up and go back home. Now my pride will just have to suffer as I lean on others for help for a while.
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
So it starts again. Monday morning I awoke to find that I couldn't roll over. My back, usually stiff and achy, was on fire. My right side felt like it was being stabbed, then kicked over and over. I went to the doctor to make sure there wasn't something immediately wrong; they couldn't find anything so switched me to a different set of painkillers.
The best guess anyone has is that I either pulled a muscle over my rib or my bad posture in my wheelchair caused the muscle to temporarily tighten up. I don't like either but a bit of rest seems to have made the rib slightly better (I at least made it to classes today).
This is simply another chapter in the never ending depressing novel that has become my life. I wished I could get out of the non-fiction section; being in the sci-fi section is so much more exciting. Hell I'd even settle for being in the romance section (at least I'd have tons of readers and I'd have a sexy embossed picture with my shirt mysteriously absent).
Not the worst that's happened and certainly not the last; not by a long shot. So plodding on through this new swamp. I like pavement better because it's easier to wheel.